Saturday, May 15, 2010

I woke this morning to a bright blue sky, children laughing, a warm home, and food to eat. I made my way to the kitchen to brew coffee, prepare eggs and pancakes, and change the inevitable dirty diaper… This morning, like all the rest, is a great start to a beautiful day… yet, I find myself with bittersweet feelings about tomorrow.. Tomorrow I turn 28…

Some might feel upset about getting another year older, some might fret about where the last year has gone, but I focus on both the joy of health and the sadness that accompanies an orphaned daughter… For today, 28 years ago, was the day that my parents had longed for… They were getting a baby girl.. I share those feelings as I gaze at my daughter… Feelings of completeness. Of a full family. A happy home! Yet, I still think about my parents.. Desiring to see me walk, talk, thrive, and love the Lord. How their dreams for me far exceeded my dreams for myself, how their vision of all I could become outweighed all I saw in the mirror, and how they knew far better than me how to stand against adversity and not fall for temptation.. I long for them.

As I look back at the years since my parent’s death, I see my testimony!

I see my poor choices, lost opportunities, missed chances…. But through all of that I see His grace….

I have a favorite parable in the bible, the story of the lost sheep. Matthew 18:12-14 10" 12"What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? 13And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. 14In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost.” For all too often I have been the lost sheep, gone astray, searching for greener pastures… None were found, and yet, I still searched. I searched for answers to questions about my parents passing…. I felt deserving of answers, for I was just a little girl, needing my mom and dad.. A girl who needed to see the bigger picture.. The picture of God coming to seek the lost sheep, the one who strayed away. I didn’t see that all of the loss would lead me to gain Him… Lead me to seek peace that only He can provide. I didn’t see that through all of the pain, my parents prayers were answered… I love the Lord… At any cost, I pray the same for my children, my family, my friends…

Of course I cry at the things I miss about them and about the things that I never got to experience. I miss their smiles, I miss their laugh, and I miss their love because it had no conditions; they gave it freely and never withheld! I miss them because they sought the truth for me…. As I scale the years since then, I see growth! I see my walk with the Lord growing stronger as the days have ticked by.. He has been gracious to me! He has been with me as I chose His way and He has been by my side as I chose to detour from the blessings that He had waiting for me. He has always been my constant! Even when I didn’t choose Him, He chose me.. That’s what is so amazing about Him. He, the Almighty, still wants me after all that I have done.. My sin and rebellion, my shortcomings, He stands knocking and wanting me! I used to look back and see failures. Failed choices, wide roads of temptation and times when my body was crushed with my past… Now I see Him! With wide spread arms and nail scarred hands, waiting for me to come home… At any cost, I choose him!


Amy said...

You, my dear, are awesome. I love you. :-)

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Dear Grand Daughter, Your blog today made me cry. Your Mom and Dad would be so proud of you.
I love you.
Love Grandma